Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Ehsaan

It's been months since I last wrote. That could be taken in either way, good or bad. Because writing is therapy, an outlet of emotions, something I resort most often when I feel most alone, it could be viewed as a blessing that I haven't had to blog in so long. And yet, could be viewed just as inauspicious by the very fact I am here again writing today. It's not always that I am writing when under the weather, and in fact, I had meant to write many times in the past. It's a measure of both procrastination and being too busy that contributes to the fact that I haven't.

Am I sad? Or am I happy.. so answer this honestly I don't know. I know it is a measure again of both, not in equal quantity, and as such I do know that I am confused. Yesterday when this came about, the word that was so strong in my mind out of nowhere was 'dhoka'. I can't explain this. It wasn't intentional in the wrong way, and yet...it was. The fact that it wasn't intentional is what somehow hurts more, that it was natural.

You give yourself entirely and make them a part of everything, and when they don't, the fact you do is suddenly wrong. When it hits you that you're just a part of part of their world, and not everything like you made them. When all the missing pieces suddenly drop and it clicks, that, in fact, there are no real missing pieces, all the things you believed were there behind words unspoken and unexpressed were just figments of imagination stemming from your own hopes and feelings. And you wonder what let you down, who let you down - was it your own heart? It hurts, and still it would make excuses for the one who hurt it. That's the problem with it all.

The sun rose pretty early today, as did I. And all I wanted to do was call in sick and bury myself again under my blankets. Stuffy nose and sore throats are not fun. But still better than self-pity. Outside, watching the sun rise and while alone, the company of my dearly beloved doves. Yes they've returned again for another year!

Ehsaan is the song again. Because sometimes nothing is better than being alone.

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