Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Decombobulations

'I love you' means that I accept you for the person that you are and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I do not expect perfection from you-just as you do not expect it from me. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you're down-not just when you're fun to be with. 'I love you' means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them-asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping that you feel the same way for me.
And its May again. I don't know how I would be able to let this go by without putting something down in words; to let this season of change go by without the acknowledgment of trying or wanting to remember it again later on does not seem too feasible, at least for me. And change, ahh that's the crux of the matter, when isn't it? For it is not simply in the renewal of foliage and the rebirth of greenery, nor the return of birdsong so long missed. Along with such change comes the change that is ever present within, and that may be simply the reflection that mother nature asks of us to examine when she manifests it in our world.

As we walk along farther towards that destination that we only hope to know without ever truly knowing, what bonds do we let trail behind slowly yet assuredly diminishing its hold upon us - or our hold on it. Whatever it may be, perhaps in assuming aspirations from air into solid proof of reality, other realities are no longer required.

When you have been dreaming of that one thing for as long as you can remember, when it is that simple and sure wish deep within you despite your protestatons and pretensions otherwise, when it is that deeply rooted want that gives you an unconscious fuel to hoping somehow and therefore continuing in existence, when it no longer a castle in the air, but a place that you're walking in daily, exploring, astonished at its actuality - then what?

What substantiates the emotional adjustments needed to come to terms with it all? A need to buckle down and keep it all there, before it somehow evaporates again into that castle in the air versus that somewhat guilty pleasure of actually enjoying it and therefore, somehow make it a reality that you must accept. And in accepting, does one not begin to take it for granted, to acknowlege its presence and existence reflective of assumptions and presumptions, that all lessen the worth of that which is so worth it all?

It may be no wonder that within comes storms of unbidden emotions, of uncertainties and the need to appreciate it all for what it means, but also to be able to curtail all obstacles that take away from the possibility of really taking permanent residence in that palace. Unspoken, inarticulatable...yet so implicit in understanding, without real comprehension.

Why is that which feels so right still such a surprise, the expected becoming unexpected, the inevitable a revelation. Perhaps because it goes beyond words in actuality and its power and worth never truly gauged for the very reason that it was never experienced.

=]