Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Collage-N Part 13

Another long day. I wake up, what, at 6, and its bright outside. Gotta love it. 8 and outide, it’s burning down on my head. Woohoo!

I just love this weather. Aaahh, not yet too hot, but comfortably no-jacket weather.

And PUHLEASE, when you tell me the weather is ‘nice’, I want you to walk 5 miles in it first before telling me it is, ‘cuz if you’re a door to car door sissy you ain’t getting any credibility from me sweethaht.

Yes, hyper.

Music is mixing on first halves of every random shuffle song that comes:

- bin tum gum sum hone lage jaane.. kis duniya khone lage
- Mohabbat se zyaada mohabbat hai tumse yeh dil ke raha hai kasam se kasam se
- kyun koi paas hai, duur hai, kyun koi jaane na koi yahan pe yeh dooriyaaaan
- kaddi te has bolllll ve, na jind saddi rol ve.. tu aaja dil janiya de kar meherbaniyan aa sanu teri lod ve na jind saddi ron ve
- teri umeeeeeed teri baaatein, woh lamha lamhaa katati tere naam se raatein
- ghadi pal yara

and finally getting off the bus, the shuffle lands on

Ek lakh nakhre re re re re re…
Lakh lakh nakhre rehne de, chale naa tere koi paintare….

Tell me I can’t get hyper. How can I not.

Anyways, the mood went as soon as I got in out of the sun, and faced the long tiring day ahead. Meh.

Getting mad (me, mad? Who says?) And finally getting told that

I have attitude.


Not hearing, raised eyebrow and asking politely (POLITELY) and excuse me?
how can anyone tell me I have attitude to my face like that.
But no, in fact I get told again that
I have too much attitude.

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Now that clears it up.

I have attitude and raising one’s eyebrows and thanking them for the newsflash gets me a free drink and icecream. It all works out.


It was actually a nice day in terms of the friend aspect. Somehow I can always count on someone to cheer me up, or at least understand me in some part, even if on some days that has to be me. But if it aint me, then my personality twin aint so bad either. I don’t know what exactly to call him, because sure, he is a best friend. I’d say he’s one of my best friends. But he isn’t MY BEST FRIEND. I mean, he is, but he isn’t. he’s like sometimes my male other half, but not that. Whatever. Some people just make your day. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a label, the medicine works.

How can we dream the same dream and yet go farther
How can we dream in the same direction and walk in opposite ways
How can we be so completely together and in being together move father apart.

I just don’t get it.
I don’t get what ‘it’ is
I don’t get how I can’t get it when I don’t know what it is that I don’t get.

Is it possible for a butterfly to chase a tail it does not have?

Sometimes its oddly interesting the things you can learn – when you weren’t expecting it. But then again, that’s just it- we try our best to not expect in order to survive just that little more easily. So how could we go about with saying ‘ I didn’t expect that’ when so saying you imply otherwise, that by not expecting you were expecting not to.

And so, what I’ve learnt – unexpectedly while having that best friend time- doing what we do best ie. Speculating about dream things: houses, cars.. to begin with. And me always being the way I am me, going on to the usual ‘what if’s : dream vacations spots. Point in fact that I was surprised at his choices made me realize that 1) we do in fact have differences and 2) that I wasn’t really all that surprised since I know him as well as he knows himself.

But mostly I realized that although I can be so damned complicated with all the thinkings and such that seem to pour out of every pore (ha), that my choices showed that deeply imbedded simplicity that is really me.

Whereas he likes the cities, the crowds, the rich lifestyle types, there I am wanting solitude on the white beaches, clear waters, blue skies of the Mediterranean and the forests and glades of the Alps. Granted, that by itself isn’t surprising. It’s more really with respect to the contrast. Which brings to mind Aristotle: man can only live a good life in society.

I’d already written an essay on that one line years ago and like many of my musings, has permanently imbedded itself in my mental clockwork.

For, how can we really measure ourselves in terms of how good or how bad we are by remaining in isolation. There isn’t anything nor anyone to compare with so how can one know? And all that we do know of goodness, that itself comes from the workings of society. So when so much of society continually changes its aspect, does goodness change? Do the abstract essences that guide us invisibly also change? Morality, humanity…does love change?

And when we cannot accurately, acutely, define it for what it is, but collectively acknowledge a somewhat vague existence, how can we tell?

Being so openminded and tolerant and understanding is sometimes hardwork.

I’ve got so many sides that it’s confusing trying to understand them.

And this is ME. Imagine someone else trying to.

Actually, no. It isn’t as bad as it sounds. I love being me. I love the fact that me by myself is someone I can enjoy being with for protracted amounts of time. I don’t bore myself, which is something not everyone can say.

So, whatever mysteries of myself I have yet to understand or yet to reveal, there’s always tomorrow.

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