Tuesday, April 06, 2010


The thing is, I wanted to write something (when don't I?). I had the updates about my April Fools Prank (best actress skill definitely goes to me!!) to write about. I had updates about the weather. I had another inspiring abstract piece of writing that I wanted to put down in writing. I know I can do all that still. Especially now that I've somewhat broken the ice on how to start writing (writing about not being able to start writing is ALWAYS the best way!).

But guess what, I had to go back and look through some old emails. And here I am stuck at one of those depressing u-turns (literally, my mouth is a downward 'u' now.)

I don't want to cry. I sort of feel like it, but I have gone through this much by keeping my head up, heart up, have accustomed myself to accepting everything as it is now, even though so much has gone through extreme metamorphosis. Some people would say that is why you don't save such stuff, because of course it will make you sad: you can't bring back these memories, you can't unchange that person, you can't make them care as much as they once did. No point in looking back. All those "I told you so" type of lines. I KNOW ALL THAT. But I want to remember. I want to be able to say: we had this once upon a time. This is why you mean as much as you still do even if everything has changed. It isn't just what you have done, it isn't just what you have said, it is just who you are. So even if my first reaction was "Where did this person go? :(", I know..., or.. I don't know.

It's like complaining about the rain and the cold weather today, and missing the beautiful weather we had yesterday. Now that I look back, somehow I feel that I took it for granted. But I know that I didn't. I did appreciate it, and I tried to show that I did. I don't know.

Is this the weather influencing my mood again? Yesterday I was up in the sky, even though I was still sick, but everyone was saying that I didn't look it, in fact I just kept getting compliments about looking fresh and bubbly; so was that just the sunshine reflecting off me? ARGGGGGGGG

Breath in, 2 3 4 Out 2 3 4.. Deep breath in...and out. Ok oxygen do your thing.

I wish the sun was out though :(

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