Thursday, April 22, 2010

Pure

I am at my favourite writing spot. My bench on the corner facing the green stretch of grass the newly adorned trees.

On a sunny day like today, almost nothing could beat the tranquility of sitting there, listening to the birds and sunshine talk to each other. All of a sudden life feels like it's all ready to take off, full of the small pleasures that just seem to tempt you to float away like a balloon full of happy. The satisfaction of making a meal everyone loves. The luxury of being pampered in that awesome bestfriend-sisterly affection - and walking out with a silky new hairstyle too! The little teeny weeny guilty secret of having one more piece of Bounty tucked away in the corner of my bag (yeah yeah, so I proclaim myself as a non-lover of chocolate but, excuse me, I don't share my Bounty.) The budding leaves, that newborn green that lasts just for a little while before losnig the magic of newness. The leaves taht adorn their trees so proudly not knowing that one day they grow cold and are shed in a breath of wind.

And then, the sunshine. The beautiful sunshine. Sunshine is my equivalent of happiness. Not just sunlight, for sunlight is the physical entity. It could be a sunny day and yet couldn't make it's mark within my heart if it were not sunshine. Sunshine is not just the existance of sunlight, but my perception and reception of it.

But this today, this morning, yes, this was, is, sunshine. It was the hesitant sunshine that almost asks permission to do its job; it shines warmly, but when not too sure, it hides itself quickly behind the few wispy white clouds it can find in the vast azure sky. And there, along its sunbeams comes a tang of chill, the reminder of a love so deep, hesitant yet confidant, carrying still the chill of something, or someone, missing.

The beauty of this seems so compelling, thoughtful, as if even poetry itself is there imbedded in the workings of nature - almost personified reflections of the human heart.

And the beauty, the almost perfection that sunshine hints at makes me wonder how could anything ever be compared to this, how could I have ever thought anything else could bring the same happiness? Rain, clouds, cold snowy winters, even nights, especially nights, the darkness, the wait for sunshine again - how could it be anything close to this beauty?

Then almost like remembering a forgotten dream, I remembered the night before. The half moon glowing, the stars shining, Venus winking to the side, and the half heart of the Dipper constellation - and best of them all, dancing under them all, alone in a magical world amid the trees. For that was the mystical happiness enshrouded in the night - the veil under which one can let go and spin under the watchful moon, and skip to the stars. And why not?

Last night, sitting on the bus going home late, I fell back in love.

I don't know if I even have to add that 'in love' part, because that feeling was like falling back into my own body, like finding something lost, or finding one's own memory after a while, or like coming back home. It was that feeling that out of everything else in life, this was the one thing that felt, feels, 'right'.

I don't know what it is, what it was that brought me back - but it felt wonderful. It was an almost tangible, audible, 'click', when I realized it had happened to me. Because at first, I didn't realize. All of a sudden I went from numbly cold (having had to wait twice as long in the uncharacteristically frigid cold for my bus home, after telling my dad, who uncharacteristically called me offering a ride home, that I would catch the bus home faster, but without knowing that everyone in the city and their dog decided to get on the same bus I waited for. So me being me, let everyone and their dogs in the crowd push and shove their way onto the already crammed bus, watching with a smile at the circus scene before me, for what could I do about it but, as always, wait?), freezing cold to completely content.

In a split second I felt as if somehow you were there, right there beside me, sharing that complete understanding without a word said. It wasn't reasonable logically, but in that instant, however far you might have been, wherever you were, I felt inexplicably that your spirit was with mine. I felt without having to think twice that in that moment you were thinking of me as I was thinking of you. And there it was, "click", like a key in the keyhole finally unlocking the lock.

Of course, when faced with that confidence of not having to think twice, I had to think twice.How could I be so sure? And even as I asked myself this, I felt still more sure, I felt like asking myself back why I bothered even to doubt, that it was like asking myself after solving a mathematical proof how could it happen, but how could I ask when I had the solution in my hands?

I couldn't ask, because the answer absolved itself of needing a question.

That's what love is.

The mroe I tried analysing, the less I solved. I couldn't put my finger on a reason, was it the song I was listening to? "Uff Teri Ada" wasn't a precursor to trigger hidden memories, but I knew now that the song would align itself with this newfound joy of refallen love. It wasn't the three rowdy guys who, smirking at each other, decided to sit in the seats surrounding me while I , on the other hand ignoring them rapt in my concentration. I couldn't figure it out! All I knew was that I was happy. The kind of happy that couldn't be attributed to anything else. I'd almost forgotten it, the quickened heartbeat, the fluttery stomach, that utter serene contentment that showed itself in the enigmatic Mona Lisa smile yet all at the same instant that exuberance that took its form in impatience, extra energy to sing aloud with joy, to bounce off the walls, to fly in the face of the galaxies.

It's a beautiful feeling. It's that feeling that reminds me of why it's called 'in love', because it's a bubble of joy that holds you in itself and with all the added magic, keeps growing, expanding, holding you afloat.

And you can't burst this bubble, because you don't know who you are.
I don't even know if I know who you are.
But we know.
Love is the answer that needs no question
But when Love is the question
The answer is You.                    

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