Thursday, February 18, 2010

Mocha Ice

Why is it so hard to begin, when you have been waiting for the chance to start?

I've had so many thoughts that I had wanted to put down into words, and now they fail to be found. Other than that, this is the third time I am attempting to write this blog, after actually writing a lengthy amount, and after my mental struggles - twice!- here I am persisting yet again. Insert scream of frustration here.

Strangely, both times I digressed onto two different trains of thoughts, just from the way my mind drifted. Once again, a realizaton is refound. That feeling, when you put your all into a piece of work, and feel proud of yourself, a moment of pleasure - and it is deleted. No matter how much you try again following that, you know you cannot pour your 100% in the same way, for fear of losing it all again. And, so it is with love.

khoya rahaa hun… saanson mein apne…aahat bhi teri… bhool gaya hoon…
kitna jiyaa hun… tanha raha hun…ishq tera…. bhool gaya hoon

Why do we have to learn from broken hearts in order to grow up? Why do we have to fall once in order to learn how better to ride a bike? Why do we have to burn our hands on fire, to know that it can burn? Why do we love with everything we thought we could posess, only to learn that we were mistaken?

uljha raha main… iss zindagi mein… dil ki duhaai… dil ki duhaai….

And once it has been forsaken, how can we trust ourselves again to love the same way, for fear of losing it all, again? And this fear of loving, of losing ourselves again, is it just a selfish sense of survival? Or is it just love that is the selfishness.

tere bina dil mera…laage kahin na…tere bin jaan meri..jaaye kahin nakitne zamaane… baad o rabbaa…yaad tu aaya… yaad tu aaya…

Sometimes I feel that growing up is just another euphemism for becoming more confused. They say you grow wiser with every day that passes. But sometimes it becomes a tangle of confusion, because those same convictions you possessed when young, albeit naive, seem to wither when faced with circumstances that put those same convictions to test.

kithhe… main jaavan…haal sunaavan…ve duss rabba…. rabba ve….

Love once used to be the fire of life, the electricity that makes the world go round, the power that takes you to the stars and beyond, that give you the power to fly, to experience exhiliration, to live. When did love stop being Love?

har bebasi mein… iss zindagi ne…tujhko hi chaha.. tujhko hi maanga…
jin raaston se… guzraa ye dil tha…manzil mili na… pyaar ne paaya…

I never stopped believing in You. I have just realized that you are more than I thought you were. I have realized that you are less that I thought you were. I believe in you, only because I realize that you are what I made you. You are my selfish desire of Paradise. You are the epitome of every desire I have ever breathed. You are not only in every heartbeat of mine, you are every heartbreak as well. You are not just in the joys of companionship, you are in the sorrows of loneliness. You are the very quintessence of selflessness, but you are the highest degree of selfishness. For to love is to give me the greatest power of life. You are everything I dream about, and to possess you is to make my every dream come true. You are not just a person, but an essence that trancends from my belief in you, to the soul of another persons belief in you.

khud ko chhuppa ke… raahon se guzre…dil ko sambhaalein… khud ko sambhaalein…

Love. I believe in you, I know you for what you are, and I know you are infinitely more than what I know. I know that I know nothing of you, and yet you are everything I wished to know. Don't break my heart. Because I believe in you. And yet, I doubt you, because that is what you ask of me. Please, break my heart. Because either way, I have no choice. That is the power that is you.

tere bina dil mera…laage kahin na…tere bin jaan meri..jaaye kahin na…
kitne zamaane… baad o rabbaa…yaad tu aaya… yaad tu aaya…

Love is love for me, and to share it with another person, that is another branch of love. Love can be One Love. Love can be True Love. Love can be many loves in one lifetime. Love can be waiting. Love can be waiting for something, that becomes nothing. Love can be loneliness.

chaar dino ka… pyaar o rabba…lambi judai… lambi judai….

Another day, and another moment of confusion. Give me the power to trust you like no other. To believe I can close my eyes, and fall backwards from the highest plane, and have faith enough to never have a doubt, to fall freely, with a smile in my heart, to know that though I fall, I rise.

rabba…ho rabba…


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