Monday, December 21, 2009

Conviction

Not entirely sure why I titled this so, but it's been a favourite word stuck with me for some time. Not anything new, nothing extra profound, but sometimes words do that, stick with you, like a favourite flavour or a favourite tune.

Not entirely sure what I intend to write about either, except that I find myself a tad bored, and I don't believe in boredom as a rule that applies to myself .. So here I am! Where am I exactly? It's a snowy snowy day, and it's almost 4 in the evening, and the sky is gray .. and I've left the house in search of nothing in particular, except to just be outdoors. Have travelled here and there, a bit of a manhoos week in every aspect, going to places when they are closed, taking shortcuts that turn into longcuts, missing busses, and just being ...stuck outdoors. Which is all the point wasn't it? Not to say that it has upset me in any way. Funny thing is, I missed feeling things to extremes. Feeling that 'extra' that pushes into your emotions. And lo and behold, was I presented with circumstances that tested those selfsame emotions or what?!

Anger. Haven't been too aquainted with it much in the recent years. Then WHAM- it built itself up into a pressure cooker of steam and let itself loose in that amazing way that reminds me why exactly I don't let myself get angry. Pretty much like witnessing something as awe-inspiring and fear-inducing as Krakatoa and Vesuvius.

In as much, as usually happens, as the ashes settled and the fires cooled, so did a friendship that had been as amazing as a firework show like none other. Problem with fireworks, they only last for so long, ...and fade away to nothing. So, was it so suprising that such a friendship would do the same? Inside, I don't really feel anything in regards to it. Not that missingness, nor the regret for the anger. Because in all due respect to the words said in anger, they were in fact backed with logic that pretty much supports me in being angry in the first place. I am sure anyone would, when they realize what I had come to realize. There are some things that hurt, and somethings that when you realize they have come to occur and the hurt has happened, you just realize you have to cut it out like a bad tumour, else when you let it linger, the cancer would spread. So, it was great while it lasted, but the time had come for us to part. My most favourite line said by myself in regards to love came to mind: "Betrayal in love is like emotional rape." and thus I searched for another likeness to portray betrayal in friendship. Couldn't really figure out which hurt more.

The thing is, everyone around me too seemed so be involved in their own dillemmas. And even throughout that amazing calm that followed my anger, there was such a deep conviction in what I believe in and what one should feel, that I've lent myself out as that oasis of calm to others in their times of anxiety. I guess it's just due to being so sure of myself due to my own experiences. It's pretty profound in some ways, but then the most important part of it all was that I didn't let things become too profound.

So I came full circle in some ways; skimming on life without feeling things too deeply, and then missing it, missing the extreme and deeper emotions that go unfortunately with that bit of 'drama' that we meet along the road...and then finding it all in one go, and then .. once again settling along for the less extreme middle road paths...maybe it's just that inexplicable thing called life. Sure that must be it, and I'll let it take me where it goes, and hold my head up .. in conviction. Not sure what I've just let come out from my mind to my fingers in one go, just kept typing whatever came to mind, so I'll let this bit of freethinking do its bit, and let it fill up some space on my blog, while giving up its mental space in my mind for new thoughts to arrive.

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