Monday, August 17, 2009
...Aur Pardey Pe Manzar Badal Jaata Hai..
Things do not change; we change. True enough? Or too obvious a truth? In any case, it does set you thinking, especially if you had a wild night out in the world of dreams, dreaming of people lost, relationships lost, and maybe even worse yet- ourselves lost; waking up with your mind ablaze with reminisces. In itself it can set one to even think about how much we change in a matter of even seconds. A simple word all by itself can set your intentions onto another route. Imagine how quickly it takes us to feel, all our synapses reacting faster than the speed of light, to bring out a new reaction we never expected.
Am I digressing? I certainly am, and that's just the whole point. I can think back to days when I wished- in fact craved with all the cells in my body- for a blog to outlet all these thoughts. Days, weeks, months then passed when I would take the chance, sit all ready to type out something utterly profound. Then I'd pause and think, think again, and close this page. Had no clue why until let myself think again, this is what I DO - and do well, and I.. just can't!? Was this yet another change of self? Most likely. But why? Perhaps a way of hiding self, words are afterall outlets that you can't take away once said. Every syllable has to be measured out with caution. Whereas a younger self would have shared everything - feelings, thoughts, emotions - without so much as a blink of an eye.
Change in itself is definitely not by necessity growth. Although in a way it could be, but it by no means is interchangeable. (Pun?)
This morning, woke up from a strange dream (nothing new). Yet, was overcome by how much had changed from relationships of old friends to now. Even as much as I still consider such people as best friends, SO much has changed! Hungover feeling relative to loss. Decided to take matters in hand. Went to brush teeth.
Teethbrushing complete. Went back to staring at mirror in contemplation. Change. Why so much? Gargled up some cliches while thinking.
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. Mary Engelbreit.
Or better yet, just don't think about it. IQ
Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them. Marcel Proust.
Which may be exactly why we just find it so damn hard to bear the difference between the image and reality. IQ.
All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward. Ellen Glasgow.
Have already thought suchlike. Decided wasting time. Missing old friends lots. Time to do something important about it. Ran cold shower.
Still missing old friends. Wonder about telling miss them lots. Think maybe not. Why? Argue to self to let bygones be bygones. Old friends still good friends. Just...change.
Is it a matter of pride not to tell them you miss them, in fear of being rejected? Maybe. In fact, may just definitely be a small proportion of that being the cause. However, majority of feeling is to let change take its course. We all have to allow for it. So why can't I? It certainly has affected me, not just everyone else.
Staring at mirror again. Flashback of younger self. Remember young tomboy, always into sports, working out 3 hours a day, bossing around friends, cracking jokes. No makeup, wore comfy sporty clothes. "I don't give a damn" attitude.
Look at self now. Realize so much change. When did grow into a ...woman?! Realized that was what am. Shocked at epiphany. Not innocent little (tomboy) girl anymore. Am grown up girl (woman?!) master (mistress?) of makeup and clothes and shoes. Feel.. girly. Eck. Burny feeling.
Throw cotton swab of toner down.
Sit on bed and stare out window. Must contemplate about life seriously. Notice butterfly outside window. Pull curtain aside more. Notice afghan neighbours doing car-in car-out dance across street. Pull curtains back to half open position. Still burny feeling. What to do about this?
Realize burny feeling is hunger. So, eat breakfast. See butterfly flapping at kitchen window. So sorry; No feeding animals. Shake head.
Food. I never used to care about what I ate, or when I ate. Now I love food. Another change? I used to love cooking. Now don't cook. Too busy.
Life is so full of being busy. When we think about it, perhaps that's what helps us define life. We would have less to appreciate, in theory, if we always had relaxation. Like eating icecream all the time, it's the novelty of having it once in awhile that makes it so much more special. Then again, how much time do we spend in the process of being 'busy'? As taken for granted the saying is, how much time do we actually have to stop and smell the roses? We all know about stopping and smelling roses. But do we? How many times do we actually look up at the sky and realize how beautiful the stars are? How often do we watch a bird in flight? We may do it once in awhile, when there is nothing else to do, but little pleasures as these go by us without notice because we are busy with being busy. How would time pass otherwise?
Look at time. Is time to leave. Very Important Day to spend doing nothing. Outside, walk in summer breeze, through field, watch sky. Very Important Things To Do on Very Important Day. All should indulge in such Important Things. Suddenly rudely interrupted. Roll eyes at butterfly. Excuse me. Am busy with Important Things. You mind? Butterly flies around self. Shrug shoulders, carry on.
Time. Isn't it just strange how things are different with time? Yet, it isn't just that everything changes in itself. In fact, that just is not the case. Things do not change. A song that meant so much at one time, and now is just any other song in your collection of favourite songs, is in fact the very same song. It is really us who change, relatively. Our perceptions, our revelations, our experiences. The way we once called someone the most important person in our life, it only takes one word, one sentence, one action to change it all, to push or pull away.
Time goes, you say? Ah no! Alas, Time stays, we go. Henry Dobson.
So we grow, our thoughts grow. We are supposed to learn more as we grow, as experiences teach us, we retain lessons learnt. Yet why is it that as we keep going forward, when we look back we feel even more confused?
So it's part of life. We all know that. We. KNOW. It. Yet, we can't help but question it. I always say that life is about how you react to it. Anything is only as big as you make it. So do I say, 'Hey it was nice knowing you, sorry I never let you know how much you meant to me. I just never could find the words. I miss you tremendously, even though 'you' don't exist anymore.'?
Change. It takes us down the stream at some pace of its own making, carrying us to others, taking them away just as fast. And then again, we never expected to have met in the first place, so perhaps change isn't all that bad if it brought us together, for whatever time we were given.
Summery breeze blew through hair as stood thinking. No longer burny feeling. Hot enough. Looked up at sky, saw speck flying against the clouds.
If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.
Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai. Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai Yunhi. Waqt Chalta Hi Rehta Hai Rukta Nahin. Ek Pal Mein Ye Aage Nikal Jaata Hai. Aadmi Theek Se Dekh Paata Nahin, Aur Pardey Pe Manzar Badal Jaata Hai. Ek Baar Chale Jaate Hain Jo Din-Raat Subah-O-Shaam, Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate...Zindagi Ke Safar Mein..