Monday, December 21, 2009


Not entirely sure why I titled this so, but it's been a favourite word stuck with me for some time. Not anything new, nothing extra profound, but sometimes words do that, stick with you, like a favourite flavour or a favourite tune.

Not entirely sure what I intend to write about either, except that I find myself a tad bored, and I don't believe in boredom as a rule that applies to myself .. So here I am! Where am I exactly? It's a snowy snowy day, and it's almost 4 in the evening, and the sky is gray .. and I've left the house in search of nothing in particular, except to just be outdoors. Have travelled here and there, a bit of a manhoos week in every aspect, going to places when they are closed, taking shortcuts that turn into longcuts, missing busses, and just being ...stuck outdoors. Which is all the point wasn't it? Not to say that it has upset me in any way. Funny thing is, I missed feeling things to extremes. Feeling that 'extra' that pushes into your emotions. And lo and behold, was I presented with circumstances that tested those selfsame emotions or what?!

Anger. Haven't been too aquainted with it much in the recent years. Then WHAM- it built itself up into a pressure cooker of steam and let itself loose in that amazing way that reminds me why exactly I don't let myself get angry. Pretty much like witnessing something as awe-inspiring and fear-inducing as Krakatoa and Vesuvius.

In as much, as usually happens, as the ashes settled and the fires cooled, so did a friendship that had been as amazing as a firework show like none other. Problem with fireworks, they only last for so long, ...and fade away to nothing. So, was it so suprising that such a friendship would do the same? Inside, I don't really feel anything in regards to it. Not that missingness, nor the regret for the anger. Because in all due respect to the words said in anger, they were in fact backed with logic that pretty much supports me in being angry in the first place. I am sure anyone would, when they realize what I had come to realize. There are some things that hurt, and somethings that when you realize they have come to occur and the hurt has happened, you just realize you have to cut it out like a bad tumour, else when you let it linger, the cancer would spread. So, it was great while it lasted, but the time had come for us to part. My most favourite line said by myself in regards to love came to mind: "Betrayal in love is like emotional rape." and thus I searched for another likeness to portray betrayal in friendship. Couldn't really figure out which hurt more.

The thing is, everyone around me too seemed so be involved in their own dillemmas. And even throughout that amazing calm that followed my anger, there was such a deep conviction in what I believe in and what one should feel, that I've lent myself out as that oasis of calm to others in their times of anxiety. I guess it's just due to being so sure of myself due to my own experiences. It's pretty profound in some ways, but then the most important part of it all was that I didn't let things become too profound.

So I came full circle in some ways; skimming on life without feeling things too deeply, and then missing it, missing the extreme and deeper emotions that go unfortunately with that bit of 'drama' that we meet along the road...and then finding it all in one go, and then .. once again settling along for the less extreme middle road paths...maybe it's just that inexplicable thing called life. Sure that must be it, and I'll let it take me where it goes, and hold my head up .. in conviction. Not sure what I've just let come out from my mind to my fingers in one go, just kept typing whatever came to mind, so I'll let this bit of freethinking do its bit, and let it fill up some space on my blog, while giving up its mental space in my mind for new thoughts to arrive.

Monday, November 16, 2009


Sometimes it is just ironic. Either it's too much, or it's too little.

Sometimes you just want to let loose, and feel the force of it all.

Sometimes, you ache to feel that sting of pain, although it hurts, you know it means you live in the most beautiful way possible.

Sometimes, you wish you didn't tread the path of caution, that you could put every ounce of emotion behind that little spark you keep close.

Sometimes, you ask why; just why in general, why at it all, why not this, why not that.

Sometimes, you wonder why when it hurt once, and you don't want to hurt again, you miss it, the vibrancy of the tapestry, the ups, the downs, everything it encompasses.

Sometimes, you question why living life happily still feels bereft of that bit of happiness that you know you are witholding.

Sometimes, you wish you could just knock down all the walls, the fences, all the fortresses you've built up to safeguard against exactly what you seek.

Sometimes, you hear a song, and yearn to be able to feel as much as portrayed, to feel the torment, to feel the bittersweet joy, to feel the joy at being able to really feel.

Sometimes, you feel, and automatically you tamp it down, and when the warmth is gone, you feel the cold and wish you hadn't just done that.

Sometimes, you means me; and then sometimes, does that mean never or one day?

Thoda thehar thoda thehar, sune le zara sun le zara
Dil keh raha dil keh raha, dil na saza yun bewaja
Rooth kar mujh se na ja bhi, bhool kar shikwa gila sabhi pyaar ka
Aa jao meri tamannaaaaaa...baahon mein aao
Ke hona paaye judaa hum...aise mujhme samao
Har ghadi lag rahi teri kami, le chali kis gali yeh zindagi
Hai pata lapata hun pyaar mein, ankahee ansuni chahat jagi
Jo hua, pehle hua nahin...aaj tum karlo zara yakeen pyaar ka
Aa jao meri tamanaaaaa....(meri tamanna)
Bahoon mein aao...Ke ho na payee judaa hum..(payee judaa hum)
Aaise mujh mein samaoo

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

And They Call It Karma

Sooner or later, whatever negativity you allow pass through your frame unto another being, shall come back on you magnified. I have seen people with such innate iniquitous personalities wonder why they've been allotted such a portion of pain and I cannot in turn but help wonder at how they could be so selfish and unseeing; it is beyond me. The world is round. This much has been established centuries ago. Envision it now; whatever energy you release goes out into this world. It travels, and by the time it goes around the world, it's picked up magnitude and momentum. Liken it to the butterfly effect. Simplified, without the chaos or quantum physics jargon, it's been said that a butterfly's wings fluttering anywhere far away in the world could cause greater results elsewhere. ("Does the Flap of a Butterfly’s Wings in Brazil Set off a Tornado in Texas". Lorenz, 1973.).

It's not just a physical phenomenon. Thoughts are forwarded, or converted, into behaviour, into realtime words and actions. Every little negativity you therefore release is subjugated to natural laws. Hence, "what goes around comes around."

Every time you allow some petty thought to assume petty words, this little bit of negativity doesn't just dissipate once said. The force of it takes action. It stimulates a reaction, as per Mother Nature. And this reaction will one day come back to you. "You get what you deserve" is another fallback of the idea. We cannot say the cliche is an accurate summation, because, granted, we are all free thinking beings, and in this case, we initiate actions with or without being provoked. Some people have such tendencies that they are not satisfied until they have insulted or 'put down' another person. They feel they've got the last laugh. Did the person on the receiving end deserve such is a question of circumstances of course. But we could go around debating the question without recognizing the actual point. It's a "chicken or egg" situation, because while the Above Force maybe have allowed us as human beings the freedom of thought and choice, we may abuse this freedom by taking for granted that we can debase others without penalty, and thus we take it as our own initiative to do and say what we wish.

Problem is, sometimes we just can't help but SAY something, that seems like it ought to be said, just to put so and so person in their place- no? I mean, cmon, we can't all be Saint Mother Teresas, right. Get real, and all that. But then again, I sometimes wonder why there is just so much of all this negativity out there. Sometimes I just can't understand why a person would CHOOSE to be this way, when they could be as great a person by being good. Personally, I've been just as guilty of saying the offhand rude remark, especially when not needed, and I've had a temper at some point surrounding puberty.

Regretting things said never undid any of them, and I think I've learnt just to be as good a person I can be, to the best of my ability. Sure, the odd evil remark is fine, especially when said in humour, as long as it's understood to be a joke. You can do all your name-calling and evil-being with your real friends. You know inside that you aren't actually harbouring negative feelings. It's when you just let that bit of 'evil' go; You can't call it back. I know, it's happened lots of times. You just have to wait for your punishment; sooner or later it's gonna hit you back. You never know in what form, or when, but it surely will come back.

How do we learn to curb our primitive evil tendencies? Just realize that you're being petty, being something lower than what you deserve to be. Just don't stoop that low. Either be good, or don't care. It's your own slate that you're keeping clean. Don't let people who don't matter matter. It's not worth it. Be dispassionate, and cool headed. Don't try to be over smart with attitude, thinking it makes you any cooler, because it doesn't. Inside is what truly counts, and if you're happy with people who would love you for what is on your surface rather than your goodness, then sooner or later, these people will not last long in your world. In the same pinch, don't be a hermit and not talk to anyone simply because 'you're better than them'. If you can be loving and openhearted, and at the same time cool and levelheaded, you're surely on the right path.

The more you're a good person, I think you'd find less you're overcome with sadness. The natural sorrows of the world will still take place, it's too much an abstracted world for this not to happen. But the little daggers that keep stabbing you now and then without you knowing definitely lessen.

So, finally made it all the way to writing something that was passing through my mind!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Of Novelty

The funny thing is that I've been intending to write about a good many topics that have been running through my mind. Now that I've been sitting on the computer, with the blog page open, nothing quite as insightful comes to mind. Why does this happen so often?

Same thing came to mind yesterday when I went to Tim Horton's with my friend for a coffee. Why did I want that coffee? Because someone has passed me earlier and the aroma of that coffee instilled a humongous craving for coffee. So, now coming back from Timmies with the coffee, I sniffed it. It didn't have the magic as the other coffee had! Why?! It was the same coffee type (who, and I mean WHO doesn't buy Timmies in Toronto, haha? OK- Starbucks lovers keep quiet!).

I posed the question to Max. "Why is it that when you smell someone passing by with their coffee.."

He finished my sentence, "You just want that coffee all of a sudden!"

Me: "Yeahhhh! OMG exactly, and when you HAVE the coffee finally it's just not special!"

Max: "You don't feel like having it anymore?"

Me: "Yeahhh! It's so saddddd! haha. But it always happens. I smell coffee and I want it so much. It just smells so AMAZING But when I go and buy it, I don't even feel like finishing it! WHY?!?!"

Max: "See, it's about not having something, and wanting it more because you don't have it. When you see something and feel like having it, the not having part makes you really want it even more. But when you finally have it, you don't want it, because you have it. It's not a mystery or something you don't know or experience anymore. It's yours, and so you're bored and don't feel the same anymore."

Me: "Hm.That's why you shouldn't get married "


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

ImRanbir - A Love Triangle

Ok so this doesn't entirely make sense. Well, it's me afterall, so we're already prepared for that possibility. And OK, yeah I know this isn't any big 'real life' dilemma on any part of any member of this so called catastrophe. But my heart is torn in two, and my mind remains confused!

Watched Wake Up Sid. Was really looking forward to watching it for a very long time. The trailers and the basic message carried through them appealed to me in a very big way. The whole 'Love Life!.. the little things that matter' interplay of a growing person with a reality of maturity. It is one of those ideals that strongly relate to who I am.

Seeing it now poses another problem. The plot for one, the characters for two. Sid, a kid (is it a loss to viewers that it does rhyme?) ...and yet there is some type of deep maturity with life.. the very basic ideology of enjoying life for the moment that I think marks him for what he is in the movie. Not exactly that he was an idealistic person, because the point of the movie was that he was not. But I liked Sid.

Then, not to mention the secondary role of Konkona, as Aisha. A hopeful writer, a girl with dreams of independence marked with innocence. But Sid and Aisha together and we have two characters who really relate and appeal to me.

Now the movie itself aside. There comes the big problem of seeing an ex-flame again and feeling the tug of heartstrings. What is it about these crushes?? Granted, I've been having less a strong feeling for Imran for the past few months. Give or take, it's always been a rocky boat after Kidnap and more so since he couldn't quite dance it up in Luck. I heaved a great sigh and considered the fact that my idolization of the man has been overrated. I loved him for the fact that Pappu cant dance and it turns out all this time he was the very Pappu aforementioned. Was this yet again me falling in love with a Character? Yes, it seemed yet again my folly. After falling in love with Ranbir following Saawariya (another extremely special movie that has a special place in my heart), I had to come to terms that it was the character I fell for. But I couldn't quite figure out what it was about the character...the boyish innocence? the enduring love? the happy go lucky persona? I think mayhap, but again there isn't anything that marks him as more than only one facet of my 'prince charming'. I understand many don't follow as deeply into what was related in the storyline as far as I do, for many it's a simple surface layer of "boring". Can't help them there. Then again Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na has another level of special to it, for the fact that it remains on a surface level of simplicity, and a type of purity.

While watching WakeUp Sid, one of the strongest elements that came to mind was the very strength of the friendship established between Sid and Aisha. It was one of those right off the bat types of friendships -the type I can totally relate to- and it grew and grew, and it had not the awkwardness of typical boy-girl 'what ifs' that usually do annoy me. Because their friendship was so easily open; take the scene where Sid suggests to her that they could be more than just friends. It came up, they talked, it passed. Friendship endured. Can't say that for many guys (or even girls). Kind of is a shame that so many guys are so weak in their friendship that they run from any semblance of romantic talks.

Now, that is also what brings that bit of specialness to Saawariya. It was not just the story of a boy meeting a girl, and falling in love with her, per se. Give a second glimpse to the chemistry, the beauty of their friendship in the midst of all the artistry, and there is just a tinge of magic to behold.
The greatest magic was again the ability of him to let go. The ending I know was and is a sore point for many viewers, but I believe in it; it signifies a greater reality than believed is possible.

Now the big issue is, why am I falling in love with Ranbir again??!!

Okay so Imran and his cowboy loverboy songs are a big turnoff FOR SURE! And I can't say that his love of converse is a turn off either, because it isn't. And ok ok so he does confess that he isn't a dancer, I can't just push him off the cliff simply because he can't dance! And his sense of humour, especially in the way he writes definitely sits right at my doorstep! Have to grant him that much, he's got the same witty remarks I've used in the past (Unless he just plagiarized me and my wit). But his DANCING !!! He says "I’ve said time and again that I’m not a dancer. It doesn’t come naturally to me, nor have I ever seen the fun in it. People seem to like it though, and they spend hours jerking their bodies around to a beat (sometimes off beat as well), and I’ll confess that I have often sat and laughed at people in nightclubs.... I can’t dance to save my life. I’m terrible. People who’ve seen me dance have started bleeding from their eyes and subsequently gone blind." hahaha, I gotta love him for that at least.

But okay so it's not just his dancing. Is it his cowboy songs? Is it his tshirt fetish? Nah not really, because when Wake Up Sid carried on for a few minutes and Ranbir's dressing sense was established, I felt like I was seeing someone I know in his dressing sense, and only later I realized that someone was Imran! Maybe it's just the fact that he's stolen! ("...where were you when I was alrighttt?...") Nah it's alright. Wait why am I saying it's alright?? Is it because there's always Ranbir? NOOO. Could it be? Yes, my heart has been fluttering on and off, first with Sid, and now it's his new movie that's coming out and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMG my heart is a mess!

Yes folks this really is Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani. Front page news.

Oh PuhLEASE. Am I for REAL?

Meh. It's fun.

Friday, October 02, 2009

You're the ONE (=


You’re the one, you’re the one
Baby... you’re the one
You’re the one, you’re the one
Baby you’re the one

You may be
Just a lil bit..deewani
Thodi thodi si ..crazy
But baby, you’re the one =)=)


Tum jaisi ..(jaisi)
Hai na koi ...yoon deewani ...(deewani)
Thodi thodi si... crazy
But baby, you’re the one =)=)
(You’re the one)

Ab aur kise na chahata hoon,
Aur kise na chahunga
Tu jo taare mangle,
Toh woh bhi thod launga
Kehke toh dekho na..kartha rahunga main pyaar

You may be (may be)
Just a lil bit... deewani (deewani)
Thodi thodi si crazy
But baby...... you’re the oneeee

Haule haule humse yeh khawayein jaane kya keh rahi hai....
Khete khete phir zara lajja ke dekho chup reh rahi hai....
Bath hai... toh wahi,... dil mein tehre...kahin
Sapno ko mere hai bas ek tera intezaar =)

You may be (may be)
Just a lil bit....deewani ...(deewani)
Thodi thodi si... crazy ...(crazy)
But BABY... you’re the one!
(you’re the one)


You’re the onnne, you’re the onnnne
Baby you’re the onee
You’re the one, you’re the one
Baby, you’re the one


Khule khule teri aankhon mein hai mere armaan saare....
Khile khile aise hai ke pheeke pheeke hai sab nazare....
Hai nayaaaaa.. ye jahan,... yeh huaaaa... na yahan
Itna kabhi bhi kisiko kisise hai pyaar...


...You may be
Just a lil bit..
..Just a lil bit... deewani
Thodi thodi si ...crazy... (crazy)
But baby..
..But baby... you’re the one
(you’re the onnnne)

Ab aur kise na chahata hoon (Ab aur kise na chahata hun)
Aur kise na chahunga (chahunga)
Tu jo taare mangle (...mangle)
Toh woh bhi thod launga
(...thod launga)
...Kehke toh dekho na
Kartha rahunga main pyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar


Tum jaisi ...(tum jaisi)
Hai na koi... yoon deewani
(Hai na koi yun deewani)
Thodi thodi si ..crazy
But BABY ... you’re the one
(You’re the one)

You’re the one, you’re the one
Baby you’re the one
You’re the one, you’re the one
Baby you’re the one


Monday, September 28, 2009

Random Creativity


People laugh and call it a dream
I agree, I'm laughing too
I just call it a dream come true.


Friday, September 18, 2009


It's that time again, when the nights get chilly, and the winds start to blow, and the leaves start to fall away, and the trees all start to glow.


The thought struck me this morning, as I realized, and I mean REALLY realized that it wasn't summer anymore. Sure, I figured it out, closing my window at night, the extra blanket, all those assured signs that it was here. Yet tell me why, it only really clicked when I stood standing outside waiting for the bus, watching the sky, the clouds moving heavily, and feeling the pronounced chill of the season. First time in a long time I'd stepped outside in my thicker hoodie sweater, and it took me a good few minutes to realize what it was that I was noticing.

The best thing was that growing feeling of joy when I realized that the season was changing. It was a brilliant moment of pure bliss just for nature's sake. If you haven't felt it before, you are definitely missing out on one of the most natural insticts God has given us - the ability to experience His creativity.

As fast as my mind moves, it went on to another realization at the same time. Why do I thrill in the changing of seasons so much? When in fact, it appears that change in most other things are what give me most angst. Change in friendships, change in relationships, change in life. Yet at the same time, I seek out most types of variety. In dressing styles, in mental faculties, in imagination, in the expansion of one's own person. All these varieties seem to add more dimensions, more colour, more vibrancy to life.

So, what differentiates one type of change from another? Would it be the obvious factor of negative consequences? Of course we are conditioned by what outcomes we encounter, but does it have to be such a primitive negative-positive inclination? Why can't we surpass this basic tendency to move above and beyond whatever it is that drives us from the inside.

Attachment. Maybe, just maybe, we cling on to what we know, because we don't in fact know what we may have when we let go. It's observed often enough. Why though, is it mostly in our dealings with others, and less often with 'things'?

Superficiality. Things, they come and go, we know that we can get something or other of its kind again, in principle. Of course, there are those things that mean more to us that we can consciously know. Imagine your house burning down, and never possessing some of the things you have ever again. I know I would feel some pang of despair or regret over losing my books, my teddies, say even my makeup! Yet I'd come to terms that I've got to accept it.

Then comes the things with a higher level of personification. Diaries, journals, notebooks, cell phones, birthday cards, gifts. The things that attach us to other people assume a higher level of importance to us. Once again, it comes down to when our space crosses with the spaces of other people in our lives. That crossover grants us an attachment of some form that alters how we perceive everything else around us.

One of my timeless favourite quotes came back to me a few days ago by one of these important people in my life. "No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."

Maybe it's a form of habituation. We know that the seasons change. It's inevitable. When summer leaves, as much as I feel a pang at saying goodbye to the warm weather, I know that months later it will be back. With this knowledge, I can embrace the coming changes of autumn. But then again, too much of one thing creates some type of longing for something different. Too much of cold weather imbibes a longing for the hot sunny months. Vice versa.

So what is it about relationships that causes all this confusion? Growing attached to a person, well that's a dynamic relationship as opposed to relationships with other 'things'. You get feedback, you get emotions of all types, one even has some sort of mental dependence on the presence of certain people. So, when this presence is removed it, it 'hurts'.

Then comes the question of overcoming this imbalance, or is it just against human nature to even try?

In any case, will resort to searching for more answers in another blog.


Friday, August 21, 2009

..Chale Hum Zor Zor Mein..


As with almost everything else, it becomes a little easier to keep going once you've started. That's how it is now that I have indeed started blogging here.

In fact, after posting the last (well, first) one, it came back to me how much writing helps and has helped me. Once writing about change, and missing people, lo and behold, that same day I had the opportunity to talk to four of the most important people I'd been missing!

That 'got it out of my system' feeling just slot back into place, like a long-missing piece of the puzzle. I suppose that was the why and how of all my other writing. In fact, it is almost reminiscently odd how things just cycle. From my Mere Sapne 'blog', to, to, to mt blog to this one. It's here! It really is! Well, it always was. But I just couldn't bring myself to break back out into free candidness. I think I'd gotten used to being reticent, in the way that I just stopped sharing it all. The emotions, the real feelings. It is hard, I suppose for most of us, especially the ones who just do not want to burden others with our burdens, or to be 'read' so clearly.

In any case, the momentum has been regained, and here I am ready to keep the pace! Granted, there will be periods of acceleration and definitely of deceleration, but that's, again, all part of life!

Weather is absolutely beautiful! End of August was just made for beautiful things eh, that's why I had to have entered the world at this time. Strong thunderstorms and brilliantly sunny weather at once. Could it get better?

Of course, it is incredibly hot, temperature wise. But then I've got such a low body temperature that it really does not bother me. I guess people with high tempers should take some lessons! Bahaha!

In any case, today is smiley weather. Have no clue why, but I do just feel like smiling all day. In fact I AM smiling, for almost no reason, although there are reasons. I guess it's for every reason that I AM smiling. Feels mighty good. No more burny feeling.

Must be hormones.

“How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."


Pyaar ki kashti mein, lehron ki masti mein. Pawan ke shor shor mein, chale hum zor zor mein. Gagan se door...

Monday, August 17, 2009

...Aur Pardey Pe Manzar Badal Jaata Hai..

Things do not change; we change. True enough? Or too obvious a truth? In any case, it does set you thinking, especially if you had a wild night out in the world of dreams, dreaming of people lost, relationships lost, and maybe even worse yet- ourselves lost; waking up with your mind ablaze with reminisces. In itself it can set one to even think about how much we change in a matter of even seconds. A simple word all by itself can set your intentions onto another route. Imagine how quickly it takes us to feel, all our synapses reacting faster than the speed of light, to bring out a new reaction we never expected.

Am I digressing? I certainly am, and that's just the whole point. I can think back to days when I wished- in fact craved with all the cells in my body- for a blog to outlet all these thoughts. Days, weeks, months then passed when I would take the chance, sit all ready to type out something utterly profound. Then I'd pause and think, think again, and close this page. Had no clue why until let myself think again, this is what I DO - and do well, and I.. just can't!? Was this yet another change of self? Most likely. But why? Perhaps a way of hiding self, words are afterall outlets that you can't take away once said. Every syllable has to be measured out with caution. Whereas a younger self would have shared everything - feelings, thoughts, emotions - without so much as a blink of an eye.

Change in itself is definitely not by necessity growth. Although in a way it could be, but it by no means is interchangeable. (Pun?)

This morning, woke up from a strange dream (nothing new). Yet, was overcome by how much had changed from relationships of old friends to now. Even as much as I still consider such people as best friends, SO much has changed! Hungover feeling relative to loss. Decided to take matters in hand. Went to brush teeth.

Teethbrushing complete. Went back to staring at mirror in contemplation. Change. Why so much? Gargled up some cliches while thinking.

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. Mary Engelbreit.

Or better yet, just don't think about it. IQ

Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them. Marcel Proust.

Which may be exactly why we just find it so damn hard to bear the difference between the image and reality. IQ.

All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward. Ellen Glasgow.

Have already thought suchlike. Decided wasting time. Missing old friends lots. Time to do something important about it. Ran cold shower.

Still missing old friends. Wonder about telling miss them lots. Think maybe not. Why? Argue to self to let bygones be bygones. Old friends still good friends. Just...change.

Is it a matter of pride not to tell them you miss them, in fear of being rejected? Maybe. In fact, may just definitely be a small proportion of that being the cause. However, majority of feeling is to let change take its course. We all have to allow for it. So why can't I? It certainly has affected me, not just everyone else.

Staring at mirror again. Flashback of younger self. Remember young tomboy, always into sports, working out 3 hours a day, bossing around friends, cracking jokes. No makeup, wore comfy sporty clothes. "I don't give a damn" attitude.

Look at self now. Realize so much change. When did grow into a ...woman?! Realized that was what am. Shocked at epiphany. Not innocent little (tomboy) girl anymore. Am grown up girl (woman?!) master (mistress?) of makeup and clothes and shoes. Feel.. girly. Eck. Burny feeling.

Throw cotton swab of toner down.

Sit on bed and stare out window. Must contemplate about life seriously. Notice butterfly outside window. Pull curtain aside more. Notice afghan neighbours doing car-in car-out dance across street. Pull curtains back to half open position. Still burny feeling. What to do about this?

Realize burny feeling is hunger. So, eat breakfast. See butterfly flapping at kitchen window. So sorry; No feeding animals. Shake head.

Food. I never used to care about what I ate, or when I ate. Now I love food. Another change? I used to love cooking. Now don't cook. Too busy.

Life is so full of being busy. When we think about it, perhaps that's what helps us define life. We would have less to appreciate, in theory, if we always had relaxation. Like eating icecream all the time, it's the novelty of having it once in awhile that makes it so much more special. Then again, how much time do we spend in the process of being 'busy'? As taken for granted the saying is, how much time do we actually have to stop and smell the roses? We all know about stopping and smelling roses. But do we? How many times do we actually look up at the sky and realize how beautiful the stars are? How often do we watch a bird in flight? We may do it once in awhile, when there is nothing else to do, but little pleasures as these go by us without notice because we are busy with being busy. How would time pass otherwise?

Look at time. Is time to leave. Very Important Day to spend doing nothing. Outside, walk in summer breeze, through field, watch sky. Very Important Things To Do on Very Important Day. All should indulge in such Important Things. Suddenly rudely interrupted. Roll eyes at butterfly. Excuse me. Am busy with Important Things. You mind? Butterly flies around self. Shrug shoulders, carry on.

Time. Isn't it just strange how things are different with time? Yet, it isn't just that everything changes in itself. In fact, that just is not the case. Things do not change. A song that meant so much at one time, and now is just any other song in your collection of favourite songs, is in fact the very same song. It is really us who change, relatively. Our perceptions, our revelations, our experiences. The way we once called someone the most important person in our life, it only takes one word, one sentence, one action to change it all, to push or pull away.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Alas, Time stays, we go. Henry Dobson.

So we grow, our thoughts grow. We are supposed to learn more as we grow, as experiences teach us, we retain lessons learnt. Yet why is it that as we keep going forward, when we look back we feel even more confused?

So it's part of life. We all know that. We. KNOW. It. Yet, we can't help but question it. I always say that life is about how you react to it. Anything is only as big as you make it. So do I say, 'Hey it was nice knowing you, sorry I never let you know how much you meant to me. I just never could find the words. I miss you tremendously, even though 'you' don't exist anymore.'?

Change. It takes us down the stream at some pace of its own making, carrying us to others, taking them away just as fast. And then again, we never expected to have met in the first place, so perhaps change isn't all that bad if it brought us together, for whatever time we were given.

Summery breeze blew through hair as stood thinking. No longer burny feeling. Hot enough. Looked up at sky, saw speck flying against the clouds.

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.


Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai. Subah Aati Hai, Shaam Jaati Hai Yunhi. Waqt Chalta Hi Rehta Hai Rukta Nahin. Ek Pal Mein Ye Aage Nikal Jaata Hai. Aadmi Theek Se Dekh Paata Nahin, Aur Pardey Pe Manzar Badal Jaata Hai. Ek Baar Chale Jaate Hain Jo Din-Raat Subah-O-Shaam, Vo Phir Nahin Aate, Vo Phir Nahin Aate...Zindagi Ke Safar Mein..