It comes from within.
Differentiating what 'it' is, well, that too is within, for you to decide.
The daring to dream, the strength to smile, the luxury to love.
Everything, anything. It all comes from the heart. Beyond the complexities of life, it all really is so simple. The truth about life is simply that the truth about about life lies within.
It's for you to find.
Life may throw its hardest punches, and though you may be bruised and battered, the underlying winning blow is for YOU to stand up to it, and still move on. Life can kick you down so many times - sometimes throwing so many blows one after another - you feel you simply have no energy left to ever try to get up again, and you find yourself giving in, saying "Why bother, life just has the worst for me."
The inside joke is, you're going to have to get up sooner or later. Sure, you can lie there, and let the dust of exhaustion accumulate as time goes on with its own business - Hell, time doesn't get paid by the hour; it sure won't bother waiting for you! On the other hand, you can show you've got what it takes, get back on you're feet and call this round your victory. Try as you might, you can't kid life. I mean, who are you kidding? YOURSELF. You're on this planet for a reason. God knows what that is, but why worry too much about those details; you've got yourself a free ride - enjoy it while you can.
And listen, "enjoying" doesn't mean dropping everything and partying till the cows come home. Get real. If that's all there was to life, imagine the mess, the chaos, the utter dung heap this world would be. In fact, there probably wouldn't even BE any cows coming home after .. doing .. whatever it is that cows.. do.
But I digress. NO, I do not intend to pursue a PhD in Mooology. Though, it is quite philosophical when you think of it. Life DOES allow you the opportunity to digress. Perhaps that's one of the few underlying truths about it. You can really never know when these elucidating truths about life will hit you; I mean, just think, this insight came from a little ruminating about cows. How profound.
Digressing, yeah that's life. Seriously. We build our dreams as we trod our ways through this journey of life. It's not a straight and easy road. It never is. If it is, well, maybe you're a little too high on something. Everyone's journey has its rough edges. Those without are to be pitied. And yet, we'll make new discoveries, learn new things, and have new preferences. Our dreams change. Our path, which we thought went in one direction, digresses to another. That's the joy of life; we adapt, we grow within, learn from the steps of yesterday, forming some tentative prescribed course of life.
Perhaps you keep reaching dead ends. Perhaps there seems no way to turn, noone to turn to. That you're on your own, and nothing could ever be worse. Possibly, you've even begged God to end it all now, to let this pain and suffering be totally rid off, that you would face death a thousand times more than face the tests life has given you. Drowned in tears, you can hardly remember a time when you had ever smiled, and believe you've even forgotten how to. Lonely, quiet nights you stare at the sky and ask "WHY?" - Why ever laugh when it all comes to tears, why dream when it all breaks, why ever love when it all hurts so much in the end, why even LIVE when you only wish to die?
It pierces you within, a bitterness at yourself, at life, at everything that's just so utterly screwed up. You want to hit something, to scream, to vent that frustration of not knowing the answers. Nights pass sleeplessly, the tears run dry, within you wonder if you can even feel, the numbness just pervades your being. You ache for someone, just one person to understand, to maybe understand what you yourself do not. And yet, CAN there ever exist anyone who could know exactly what it is you feel, and beyond that, should there be anyone to feel the extent of your anguish? Who do you turn to, when you can't even turn to yourself? Where do you go, when you don't even know where you are? What do you do, when you dont know the way?
Introspect. It IS there. Find your peace, cast off your sorrows. One day, even as much as it seems impossible, the answers WILL come. Believe in it, and let that be your self-preserver. It's like keeping your head above water when you fall in. Strive for the shore, you have the better chance of reaching it.
Each time you go under, it is for a reason; and each time you do emerge, that's an added strength. Like a grain of sand that starts forming the pearl, every layer adds to the beauty of the entirety.
Just don't hold back simply because you're afraid. Take the risk, dare to dream. Let yourself love. The problem with this world is that its clichéd about clichés. Things as simple as 'I love you' have been pushed in that dump. Yeah, it's true, the whole point of labelling "cliché" is because of a repetition that loses the main novelty of the original. But damn it, it does NOT have to be that way! Really. There is a magic in those three words that exceeds description. Of course, being said as ONLY words without intent is quite demeaning to the whole magnificence, but the wonders of those three words, the way it sends one soaring beyond the realms of heaven and back in seconds, the way it melts even the coldest heart at times, the way it pierces and warms you through to the center of your soul, the experience alone is something not worth missing. Love is a contentment beyond happiness, when you truly realize the extent of it. Beyond possession, beyond satiation, there is an independence in just loving, for the sake of loving. When you realize it's as part of you as your own soul. When you can give and give and give love without restraint, and feel a fulfilling peace within, as if loving alone, even if not returned, is intrinsic to life itself. It's a purpose and yet, its the goal.
There's nothing new in wondering what the meaning of life is. It's an age old question. Whichever way you look at it, from scientific theories, to philosophical, theological, ethical, spiritual explanations, at the fundamental basis of it all, we find one of the oldest phenomenons called Love. Might sound familiar? For as cold and calculating scientific postulates may appear, even scientists fall in love. From the beginnings of civilizations, be it the romantic tale of the Sun and Moon, or original sinners Adam and Eve, or even those starcrossed lovers Romeo and Juliet, it existed. And still does till today. Yes, it's antique but something can be antique without being antiquated. The law of gravity is extremely old but not antiquated. And if you doubt it, jump from the twelfth floor.
The point is, love and life just go hand in hand. Without love, what's left in life? It's what takes us from moment to moment, through days, through years , from birth to death. It fills in the black and white with rainbows of colour. The loneliness of never loving is far worse than any loneliness incurred through love. The experience alone is like lighting a flame of warmth within the heart, rather than the cold and darkness left without that warmth ever having been lit. No wealth of materials could outweigh the riches of love. Faith and love, in fact, faith IN love, in how much you believe in it, is just another fundamental key to life. It isn't just a belief in its existance, or rather the relative definitions of what it is, but moreso, it's a belief in how much within oneself, how truly are you capable of it, how much faith you have in your own love.
It's a world of increasing technology, where worlds could be brought together through new means of communication, its all a jumble of numbers and program codes, and yet, the world doesn't function on electricity alone. Beneath all the science, the postulates and theorems, the forces and energies, there exists the potent power of love. It gives us that sense of direction, and empowers within us the ability to dream. It erodes the confusion, and stabilizes a sense of security within.
Again, it's within you to find, and if you believe enough, it isn't that far afterall. It's an equation about life, with love at its basis. It's a question only you can find the solution to, because it's your life.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I've dreamt so many dreams, .. in this life. Yet there was only one, that I held closest to my heart. The years that went by, from the very birth of that dream into my mind.. only added and enriched that dream.. It was a dream of a beautiful life, a dream of feeling complete.. a dream of forever and eternal love.
It took a moment, for the match to ignite. When the dream started appearing to become reality.. that's when the flame really started to glow.
A dream come true, or so it seemed. Once that dream took hold, all other dreams were so insignificant in comparison. It was the only one I wanted. The only I needed. The only one that filled every day of life with hope, happiness, love.
When did the storm come, out of nowhere, trying to extinguish that flame? In the quickest of moments again, the winds gusted, making that light flicker. Shadows cast upon every sunshine that ever existed. And just as the torrents of rain hammered down upon the dream, so came the tears, as never before.
For every happiness lived in that fleeting dream, the pain overwhelms so much, having it taken away. The days when I believed, for every dream that remains only dreams, there still lies hope and beauty have long gone past.
Hope, it was that which made me see so many more dreams beyond this one dream. Hope, its what I only have to cling on to today. Hope, it is that which I have so little of, this one dream, my life, being stolen away.
It has me wondering why do we dream? Me, the girl lost in dreams so much of her life, the one who dreamt and for whom dreams were her source of nourishment. Why dream? .. It all feels so illusional today. With that one dream, I believed I could do anything, accomplish anything, just for the sake of keeping that dream mine. Today, it slips away from my hands, with me asking "why?".. and I feel there can be no tomorrow without it.
Hearts break, dreams break. And yet, love never dies. As much as the storms attempt to extinguish my light, the love will never let it die. Where there is "forever", it will be found in my love. With or without that dream, even through the tears, it will be the one thing in this life which I can call true.
It is only that one dream for which I wish to live. But it is beyond this life, and beyond fulfillment of that dream itself, to which I will love, love true, and love forever.
Monday, May 08, 2006
It betokens its keeper with unimaginable power. Yet again, it is that which locks you into a glass box.
In one's own world, its a battle of whether to keep it or to break it. Silence is in some notion, a tool which surmounts to much wisdom. You listen, you hear, others pour their worlds to you. And though you find someone to perhaps share something or the other, there exist worlds within which you never share. You take your own experiences, and try to be there for others, who claim the world is against them, that life is nothing but closed doors of happiness, little knowing how insignificant their troubles appear, with those secrets that lie behind that silence.
In many aspects, it is dishonesty. Perhaps it is that silence which only keeps back its keeper from truly feeling free. The weight of what you keep locked, acts as a wall between you and those you try to get closer to. When questions are raised that come close to that which was so long protected in silence, shamefully, quiet lies come up to the front to keep that guard.
A life filled with grey sorrows, years of battling depression alone, those nights so alone, cuddled up thinking finally you wont wake up again, only to have that too being cheated of you, tears that have drowned oneself internally day after day.. that inner yearning to one day find a person to let it all free, remove that box of anguish and burn it forever.. seems that one hope that keeps you actually waking day after day.
And the world knows nothing of it. To them, they see the lie that is the smile. The strong sunny front you mask the grey with. When you extend the smiles, comforting with the fact of forever hope, it seems they only want to hold onto their own bubble of sorrow. It pierces the deepest parts of yourself, when you know that there is so much more a world of sorrow and strife, some which you alone know of, that they cannot see because of the blinding darkness they wish to remain in. For them its a world crumbling around them, with no hopes seen on the horizon. Apparently, the little they do know of you, is enough to place you in the category of being someone who is strong enough to move on, little knowing just how slowly in the process, day by day, that silence of secrets is really killing you.
It comes to a realization, there really isnt anyone out there to open and cure the wounds but yourself. Because it's your own fault, for keeping in those years of misery to oneself, and never letting another soul try to ease them out. Internal battles arise. Breaking silences only seem to burden others, to weigh them down with things they would not be able to even start to understand. To retain the mystery, it only suffocates yourself, but isn't that so much better than taking others down as well?
Perhaps, the depression can't ever be removed, and it's just that indication that the silence will always be your own. If you cannot even open up to those you say you love, but create small lies to retain the happy front, perhaps you deserve mostly to live with your own truth, and live with it alone.
The world keeps going, life seemingly keeps going. But you come to a crossroads when it all comes back, every part of your road comes meeting up again, and it is as if trains come colliding at full speed. You're sinking again, the depression hits once again.. and this time it seems there really is no light at the end of this tunnel. The battles, inside and out, have been fought. And emotionally, physically, mentally, you're exhausted. You can't live for yourself, never mind others. Once you thought it was enough to just devote all your energy in ensuring the happiness of those you loved. But when that energy has totally reached beyond depletion point? All the years of negativity within, the bitterness, the depression, the tears, it starts to seep out, and before it reaches others, perhaps its time to just wipe it out completely, and entirely. To let the depths of sleep take over, and those final dreams wrap around you as a blanket, as you sleep as you've never slept before, enshrouded with perfect silence.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Love is life. There are many times perhaps when you would doubt it. But when it comes down to what the essence of life is, LOVE is that fuel that sustains it.
It is the foundation that makes us what we are, what we are worth, what LIFE is worth to us. Love and life, in some ways, are interchangeable. One without the other is useless. Love is what gives us that meaning to life, to look forward to each day again and again, that which gives us that foundation of hope, a meaning to 'tomorrow'.
For many, love is that 'romantic' type of love, the love for 'someone special'. That person we all dream about, someone to spend the rest of our lives with, that person who would be there to hold your hand when you need it most, someone to be there to wipe away your tears, someone to ensure you dont even have a reason to shed them. Someone who you can spend moments, sharing everything, anything. That 'soulmate' that we dream of; most usually everyone's dream. This dream, for a future of 'love' .. is something that keeps us dreaming of a life .. a beautiful life, a beautiful future, with this special person.
Then again, there are times, it seems, that love is the reason for tears. When it has you sleeplessly sobbing through silent nights, only to fall asleep finally, in exhaustion. When everything seems to shatter around you, when your world is filled with darkness, without hope. Dreams about that special someone, somehow just dont become reality.. and only remain shadows in those dreams. Your heart, it seems, could never feel as heavy. Memories bring fresh tears to the surface, fresh hurts that rise up and choke you. Moments when you dont know whether to cry, to scream, to just sleep the world away. Each time you wake, nothing seems bright. The same sun that once made you feel so warm, so rejuvenated, it may as well have not been there for the coldness that pervades you thoroughly. You wake, and the realizations of the hurts flood back into memory, and you wish everything had only been a bad dream. But it isn't. The world seems a struggle then. A future that feels blank. When nothing seems to give you hope. Love seems nothing but pain.
But, it isnt really so. Darkness is not the opposite of light, it the the absence of light. And without darkness, one can never know the true worth of light. Happiness exists, as does sorrow. Without having at least felt sorrow some time in life, one cannot truly know the value of happiness. Love is always good. It isnt love that breeds pain. It is the consequences, the situations, the absence of love that hurts. For, love, in the pure sense, should ALWAYS beget, if not happiness, then contentment. Love isn't always about possession. To love someone truly, it is just enough to know the one you love is happy. Whether it puts you in that picture or not is not of significance. Just loving someone alone, makes you feel content. And their happiness should be yours.
Life isnt only about heartbreaks. There is so much more to life than wallowing in self pity because of a heartbreak. Yes, they do hurt, very much so. But love exists even beyond romantic love. Instead of looking at what you have lost, think instead what you do have. There is so much you have that others do not. If you believe you have the worst life ever, think again. There is a world out there where people suffer much more. Your life may seem like hell to you, but there are those who have not the time to even complain. That you even are able to think, to dream, that in itself is something worth being grateful for.
Sometimes, it is only a matter of being stuck within your own bubble. You hurt, but even worse, you wallow in the pain. You may say: "I'm trying, but nothing can erase the hurt". You aren't trying enough. It's simply a bubble within which you know that if you take a little bit more effort, you can move on. But you dont want to. Inside, you only want to cling onto what WAS. You shed tears because you can't face the reality that you have to move on. And you let others know you are hurt, because it gets you the attention that somehow, sates that hurt. Feeling pity from others makes you sink into that bubble a bit more. Experiencing love is all part of growing, but it is letting go that is the mark of maturity.
Love exists in other relationships; with parents, siblings, relatives, friends. Sometimes the worth of these relations are put into the shadows; overshadowed by the magnitude of 'romantic' love. But these persons are there for a reason. Not just because of duties or obligations, they care for you. Love is everywhere. It is in everything you do; everything you do, you do it for a reason, and that reason is in hopes of achieving something. You find things you love doing, or in hopes of one day achieving something you would love. You build your life day by day, and it's in waking each day with a smile, just simply because of LIFE, there to be enjoyed, to be loved.
Just because you shed tears doesn't mean life is hell. Sorrow comes hand in hand with joy. To have one without the other ascertains a life that is off balance. We experience them all, for the reason that we learn and grow stronger. The one who has only known happiness in life is really the one who is ignorant. Dont just rue the hurt, experience it, and give thanks that you are still able to have a mind to determine where and what things went wrong, which mistakes you made, what it was that you were naive about, and make yourself stronger. The strength within is that which gives you, not only more wisdom on approaching life, but it's what make you feel with others, to understand them truly. How would you understand a person's sorrows, if you never experienced your own? But, Because you HAVE, you have something to share, to hold someone's hands, and know the right things to say, the right advice to give. You are worth something to others, because you are a person of your own, and can be there for them.
Love: it's first within yourself to find. Without it in yourself, you will not find it elsewhere. Accordingly, you find strength, hope, determination, all within yourself first. Sure, there will be friends, family, special people who inspire you. But while inspiration may come from outside, motivation can only be found within. YOU are the one who has the power to live your own life. It is your own hands that perform your actions, your feet that take you places, your eyes that look towards a destination, your heart beating those silent dreams, that mind that thinks and feels for you. It can never be anyone else, as much as you may wish it. In the end, its all upto YOU. How you approach life, depends on you. It is you who make your own dreams reality. Sure, it depends on circumstances, doing the right thing the right time. But without you taking the first step, you can never really tell whether that path would ever have been worth anything. And its for you to find that hope to make your own dreams come true. Faith in a future, ensures yourself that there is a reason for being. It is because of that faith that you will wake up and smile, just because you HAVE woken. Even in obstacles, it is that firm determination that you are doing what you can, with a true heart. And with that determination to be true, you can never regret anything.
When you realize love, experience true love, there is nothing in the world that could deter you from loving life. Everything will look beautiful to you. You may complain, but you will take it in stride. Sorrows will come, and imprint permanent lessons upon our hearts, but the wounds will heal, wash away as the ocean's tide washes away the imprints upon the shore. Love is an ocean that is always present, sometimes still, peaceful, sometimes dark and murky, sometimes wild and dangerous, at times warm and playful. But love is the epitome of what makes you love life itself.